Doing it Alone! 

The day you make the decision “I’m keeping the baby” knowing full well you are going to have to do it alone is a crazy thing to do and as you’ve probably gathered by now I am a bit bonkers. 

It was a strange, 2 weeks before I found out I had a baby Hattie in me I was in Portugal drinking large amounts of Rose and smoking Marlboro lights when my friend said, “you never talk about your periods” at which I replied “well I don’t have them, haven’t since my brain operation”.  That stopped that conversation and we probably lit another fag!  

The Friday morning of Guilfest 2010 arrived,  I had booked my days off to recover, attire sorted and everything else to enjoy the weekend when a lightbulb blinked brightly in my head saying “you’re having a baby”.  Panic pounced on me and I drove to the chemist which resulted in that blue line appearing instantly.  Double panic  kicked in and I phoned Rach who jumped in her car and starsky and hutch stymie drove to boots to get more tests.  The film “Knocked Up” had nothing on me, I could of built a picket fence of used tests!

I went to Guilfest, nursed a cider for 3 hours and didnt smoke amongst other things and everyone thought I was sick!  Being such a social person and a piss head in theses days, I decided that although it was early days people should know, (gossip is a sin in my eyes) and that was it, the end of The Villa after parties but for a good reason, honest!

And there she was, the moon and stars aligned that night with Hattie being her name and my life aged 40 would bever be the same AGAIN!

It was 3 years since my brain op and I was trying to come to terms with the physical and mental fallout already when I took the mum plunge.  For 9 months I was in denial preparing in a robot like manner and those who knew me well (Jeanie and Avril the main culprits) where counting down the days to when the depression would hit postnatal stylie.  It did, I knew straightaway so I went to my psychiatrist but it didn’t stop the sobbing and wanting to just be on my own but my 2 spy’s were hot on my tail and after begging then not to put me in a mothering unit and I stemed the tears and put in place a strategy and that only meant me going back to work after 3 months…..

    And that was it, work, baby, pain, massive childcare costs and the start of another reinvention of the me as a mummy which has taken me a long time to get into but wouldn’t be without her now! 

    The reason I wrote this post is it was Father’s Day, something I try to be but will never succeed at for obviously reasons! 😜

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